Am I Even worth it?
by cmoney13
Summary: 17 year old Serena Shepherd has lost herself. This is the story of finding herself again as she starts to heal. By leaning on the people she loves for support. Please read TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM!
1. Chapter 1

Am I Even worth it?

 **TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SELF HARM!**

17 year old Serena Elizabeth Shepherd is Meredith's and Derek's fifth and youngest child. Serena walks into the house after school and isn't surprised to find that she is home alone. Mom and dad are at the hospital no doubt Serena assumes. Zola is 25 years old and is attending Medical school at Harvard much to Christina's liking. Bailey is 23 years old in the process of EMT training and has his own apartment a few blocks away. Ellis is 21 years old and attending college at Columbia in New York. Leaving 18 year old Christopher who is a senior in high school, and Serena who is a junior as the two Shepherd kids that still live at home.

Chris is a straight A student he balances 4 AP classes along with two sports along with a girlfriend. So he is rarely home before 6PM at the earliest. So like every day for the last month Serena comes home to an empty house. She is grateful that no one is home today though, because if people were here they would notice the tears and how upset she is.

Serena goes up to her room throwing her backpack on her bed pulling her phone out and putting her earbuds in and turns her music all the way up.

 **Ooh I'm a mess right now  
Inside out  
Searching for a sweet surrender  
But this is not the end**

 **I can't work it out  
How?  
Going through the motions  
Going through us**

 **And though I've known it for the longest time  
And all my hope  
All my words are all over written on the signs  
But you're my road walking me home  
Home, home, home, home**

 **See the flames inside my eyes  
It burns so bright I wanna feel your love  
Oh oh easy baby maybe I'm a light  
Before tonight I wanna fall in love  
And put your faith in my stomach**

 **I messed up this time  
Late last night  
Drinking to suppress devotion  
With fingers intertwined  
I can't shake this feeling now  
We're going through the motions  
Hoping you'd stop**

 **And though I've only caused you pain  
You know with all of my words  
With were always beloved  
Although all the lies spoke  
When you're my road walking me home  
Home, home, home, home**

 **See the flames inside my eyes  
It burns so bright I wanna feel your love  
Oh easy baby maybe I'm a light  
Before tonight I wanna fall in love  
And put your faith in my stomach**

 **And for how long I've loved my lover  
For how long I've loved my lover  
And now, now, for how long, long I've loved my lover  
Now, now, for how long, long I've loved my lover**

 **Now now, for how long, long I've loved my lover  
(And I feel loved)  
For how long, long I've loved my lover  
Feel it all over now, now  
And I feel love  
For how long, long I've loved my lover  
Feel it all over now, now  
And I feel love  
For how long, long I've loved my lover  
Feel it all over now, now  
And I feel love  
For how long, long I've loved my lover  
Feel it all over now, now  
And I feel love  
For how long, long I've loved my lover  
I feel it all over now, now  
And I feel love  
For how long, long I've loved my lover, now now  
For how long, long I've loved my lover**

Serena tried to focus all of her energy on the song on Ed Sheeran's voice in an attempt to block out the world. But it was no use the fight she had with Noah earlier today is all she can seem to focus on.

Serena has been dating Noah Bends for the 5 months. Everything was fine in the beginning, maybe even perfect. He was sweet to her a true gentleman to say the least. They fell for each other fast, but then almost overnight it all changed. Noah has never been physically violent with her, and she knows he never will be. But what he does do is almost just as bad, he will go days sometimes a whole week without talking to her. And then when he finally talks to Serena he has a talent for picking on her insecurities making her feel absolutely worthless.

Serena slowly gets up unable to ignore the nagging thought in the back of her mind any longer. She walks over to her desk and grabs the small glass jar containing her pens. Pouring out the jar a small blade which the pens normally hide with ease, falls into her palm. Taking a deep breath and drags the blade across her skin and for a few moments at least all the pressure is gone.

 **AN OK SO I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS STORY IS GOING. I PROMISE I WILL HANDLE THE PROBLEM OF SELF HARM WITH THE CAREFULNESS AND RSPECT IT DESERVES! PLEASE REVIEW OR PM WITH YOUR THOUGHTS.**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

 **AN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVEIEWS! I WILL TELL YOU THAT SELF HARM IS A PROBLEM I DEAL WITH. TODAY IS ACTUALLY ONE WEEK CUT FREE FOR ME.** **ANYWAYS ENOUGH ABOUT ME HERE IS THE CHAPTER.**

So weak so useless Serena thinks creating another cut across her arm. I am not good enough. Not as smart as Zola, or as charming as Bailey. Not pretty or popular like Ellis and Chris. I can't live up to the legendary Shepherd name. Between having a Neuro God for a father and having the chief of general as a mother, there is no way I will ever be good enough for them.

Making one last cut Serena puts the blade down, walking into her bathroom opening the cabinet under the sink. She grabs the container of wipes she hides under it. After much trial and error Serena has learned that wipes are the best way to clean up her mess.

Dabbing the small amount of blood away she continues to clean her cuts. Living with and growing up with a family made up of doctors, has taught her to never cut deep enough to need stitches. Because there is no possible way she could go to the hospital without being caught by a family member. Cleaning up the rest she puts a Band-Aid on the only cut that is still bleeding.

"Hey anybody home?" Serena hears her mom yell from downstairs as she comes home. "Yeah mom" Serena shouts but is surprised to find Meredith standing in the doorway of her bathroom. "Hi how was your day?" she smiles looking drained. Serena quickly grabs the blade throwing it in the back pocket of her jeans, so Meredith doesn't see it. "It was pretty good nothing to exciting happened at school, bad day?" Serena questions trying to act casual.

"Lost a patient" Meredith shrugs, with that being said Serena walks over and hugs her mom tight. She can pull herself together for one night in order to be here for her mom. It's just one night she can make it one night. Can't she?

 **AN I KNOW IT'S KIND OF SHORT BUT I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK SO I WOULD LOVE TO YOUR GUYS IDEAS PLEASE REVIEW!**


	3. Chapter 3

**TRIGGER WARNING**

CHAPTER 3

Serena is beyond grateful for the cold front that came through Seattle the night before, because now no one questions why she is wearing long sleeves. Last night turned out to be better then she thought it would be. Mom and her ended up ordering a pizza and watching the movie Paper towns. The thought of telling her mom had entered her mind more than once during the night, but fear stopped her every single time. She is afraid of letting her family see how truly broken she is.

On her way to her 2nd period U.S History class a pair of arms wrap around her waist. "Hey babe" he whispers. Serena untangles herself from his embrace rolling her deep blue eyes. "What's wrong?" A look of pure confusion on his face, which only irritates Serena further. This is so typical of Noah to just keep going like everything is ok. "So we are just going to pretend like the fight yesterday never happened?" Sarcasm dripping from her voice.

He looks down at his shoes "Serena please baby I'm sorry I love you so much you are the love of my life." Serena can hear the tears in his voice, and just like that her heart melts and against her better judgement she leans in for a kiss. As the kiss ends Noah grabs her notebook. "Walk you to class?" He offers grinning. "Sure" Serena accepts taking his hand. "I love you" she tells him hoping if she says it enough she will be able to convince herself that it's true.

As she sits down at her desk her sleeve comes up and "Noah notices the new cuts on Serena's wrists. "Why?" He asks in an angry whisper. "Oh so you can get high and drunk and have no respect for yourself, but you have a problem with me doing this? Well screw you Noah!" Serena growls getting up and storming out of the Classroom.

Checking all the stalls to make sure she is alone in the bathroom before rolling up her sleeves. Just one cut that's all I need Serena thinks looking for something to use. A tap on her shoulder startles Serena out of her panic. Eleanor Robbins-Torres takes in the sight of Serena's cut up wrists. "Oh honeybee it's going to be

okay. Eleanor promises pulling her best friend in to a hug.

 **AN SORRY I AM JUST NOW UPDATING THE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN TOUGH I TAKE THE SAT'S TOMMORROW. ANYWAYS PLEASE REVIEW**

 **HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT LOVELIES**


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

Serena walks into her bedroom followed closely by Eleanor. It's Thursday now it has been 3 whole days 3 days clean. 3 days since Eleanor discovered Serena's dark secret, and hasn't left her side since. "Elly I am fine you should probably go home I'm sure your moms have noticed you haven't been home in 3 days." Serena points out in an attempt to get rid of her shadow.

"They are both on call tonight" Elly answers, but nice try though. And besides they have two other kids to keep them company" Elly jokes. A proud smirk on her face "Well you still have to go" Serena says. "I am NOT leaving!" Elly pouts. "Elly you have to go because you have band practice like now" Serena smiles. "Oh crap you're right." It dawns on herd as she grabs her trumpet case and running down the stairs. "I'll be back as soon as band practice is over." Elly yells moving so fast she almost runs into Derek on her way out.

"Sorry Uncle Derek" she yells continuing to run, Derek laughs "late for band again?" He asks Serena as she walks downstairs. "Isn't she always?" Serena smiles hugging her dad. "How was your day?" Derek asks his youngest daughter. "It was good" she lies. This has become her standard response whenever the subject of school comes up.

"You and Chris are on your own for dinner tonight unless you guys want to come to conference night with mom and I" Derek offers.

"Um no thanks I already spend more than enough time at school" Serena laughs. "Yeah I thought that might be your answer" Derek smirks.

 **Wanna hang out tonight? I've missed you ;) –Noah**

Serena sighs 3 days without a single word and then straight back to normal.

 **No Noah I love you but I need some space –Serena**

A reply comes quick.

 **Ok I understand I'll talk to you this weekend I love you Serena –Noah**

It breaks her heart to need space from him, but these last 3 days without him have been 3 days she hasn't cut.

MEREDITH POV

"Derek we have a problem" Meredith says to her husband after they meet with the last of Serena's teachers. "Yeah we do" Derek wraps his arm around her giving her a kiss. "We will figure out what's going on with our girl" he promises.

 **AN I KNOW IT'S SHORT BUT I HAVE A LOT OF HOMEWORK TO DO. PLEASE REVIEW.**


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Meredith is sitting on a couch in the attendings lounge with her head in her hands. So many possibilities have been running through her mind since meeting with Serena's teachers last night. Every single one had told them virtually the same thing, which is that their daughter is dangerously close to failing her Junior Year. "Hey Mer are you alright?" Callie asks her friend concerned. Meredith has been so lost in her head she hadn't heard Callie come in the room.

"How was conference night for you guys? How are Aria and Elly doing in school?" Meredith asks avoiding the question not wanting to have this conversation. "Well Aria is really getting involved in the agriculture program, she is even trying to convince Zona and I to buy her a goat" Callie laughs. "And I assume Elly is still all about anything and everything having to do with music?" Meredith guesses. "Yup Callie nods "nice try changing the subject, but it's not going to work. Now I'm going to ask again what's wrong?"

"Well apparently while Chris is excelling in both sports and his classes; Serena is skipping or failing most of her classes, and when she does choose to show up to them she isn't there mentally. The worst part is now that I know and think about it she has been sort of withdrawn lately" Meredith explains. "Ok Mer calm down we will all keep an eye on her tonight at dinner and then go from there" Callie promises. Meredith nods "thank you Cal." Callie smiles "it takes a village."

SERENA POV

Serena is standing by her locker talking to Elly when Noah walks up to them, holding a drink carrier containing 3 large iced coffees. "I know you need space I just thought I would bring you this." He says handing her one of the coffees.

Serena smiles she can tell that he is clearly sober. This is her boyfriend. This is the kind, sweet, charming Noah she fell in love with. "Thanks" she smiles giving him a quick and gentle peck on the lips. "Ok now time for you to go away crapbag" Elly states. "Oh I brought you one too Elly" Noah hands her a coffee. "Well thank you, but I still think you're a major crapbag" Elly smiles taking a sip of her drink.

ELLIS POV

Ellis Shepherd is standing in the kitchen of her parent's house, looking at a recipe for shepherd's pie. As if on cue she hears her mother burst into the kitchen. "Crap I completely forgot to cook again!" Meredith scolds herself, unaware that Ellis is in the room.

"Relax mom I have this under control" Ellis laughs. "You're a life saver" Meredith hugs her daughter. Meredith lets go of her daughter to get a better look at her. Ellis has Meredith's blonde hair, but unlike her mom Ellis's hair is streaked with purple. "Hey wait a minute you're supposed to be in New York" Meredith says. "Wait what you mean this isn't my dorm room" Ellis replies sarcastically. Meredith rolls her eyes, but smiles. "I have some time off figured I come home for a visit" Ellis shrugs.

SERENA POV

"Why are you working so hard on your makeup? It's just a family dinner we literally have them every single Friday." Aria tells her twin sister, as Elly does her makeup in front of the mirror in Serena's bedroom. "She wants to look good for Winter" Serena teases.

"Wait so you finally asked out that weird girl you like from band?" Aria asks her sister. "Yes I did and she's not weird she's just a little different" Elly beams. "And you decided to bring her to a family dinner for a first date?" Aria continues. "Yeah I figured that she should know what she's getting into from the beginning" Elly laughs.

"Elly your friend is here" Meredith yells upstairs. "Better get down there before they start the interrogation on her" Elly mumbles heading downstairs. "I don't want to miss this" Aria follows Elly leaving Serena alone in her room.

Serena gets up looking at the blood starting to seep through the sleeves of her shirt.

 **AN THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT! WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK OF THIS CHAPTER? NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE UP SOON. LET ME KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEAS PLEASE REVIEW** **TODAY IS ALSO 3 WEEKS CLEAN FOR ME**


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Serena plasters a convincing enough smile on her face in front of the mirror, before changing into a clean oversized T-Shirt and heading downstairs to join her family. "Hey you changed" Meredith notices when her daughter appears from her room. "Yeah wanted to be in something a little more comfy" Serena shrugs sitting on the couch listening to the interrogation that has begun on Winter.

"So what are your plans after High School?" Alex asks winter without showing much emotion. "Well to be perfectly honest with you Dr. K I don't see college as a part of my future. I think I'm just going to explore the world for myself. I would much rather receive the best education anyone can ever get from the college known as life." Winter answers a proud smile displayed on her face either not noticing or ignoring the weird looks she is receiving from everyone in the room. "Dr. K" Derek mouths obviously trying not to laugh. Serena does same clearly sharing her dad's amusement.

"Well you're girlfriend can do whatever she likes but you're definitely going to college Eleanor." Arizona tells her daughter who is sitting next to her date. "Mom" Elly is about to speak up when Winter interjects "Yeah well of course Dr. R but college is still highly overrated. Anyways where is Dr. T I'd love to meet her" Winter continues.

"Dr. _Torres_ is on call tonight she breaks bones for a living and she's extremely good at her job." But you know you can't get a medical degree from the college of life" Arizona informs sharply. "I'm thirsty would anyone else like anything to drink?" Serena asks trying to ease the tension and distract her aunt. "Alcohol and lots of it" Arizona grumbles as Serena heads into the kitchen.

"How's it going in there?" Zager Hunt asks standing at the kitchen island. "I don't think it's going that great something tells me that Aunt Arizona isn't Winter's biggest fan" Serena laughs.

"Oh that's too bad" Zager says unable to maintain a straight face. "Sure you are" Serena scoffs rolling her eyes. Zager Hunt is tall and lanky with his father's red hair and his matching light blue eyes. I have no idea what you are talking about" Zager smiles. He may inherit his dad's looks but definitely gains the Shepherd charm from his mother. "You should really tell Elly how you feel Zag" Serena tells her cousin as he heads into the living room.

Serena is about to follow him when Ellis stops her. "Serena you're bleeding" Ellis says looking at Serena's wrists. "Oh it's nothing" Serena brushes it off. "Um no it's not" Ellis moves closer to take a better look at the cuts. "Now either you can explain this to me, or I can go get mom and dad" Ellis demands.

 **AN OK I KNOW THAT THIS UPDATE IS LATE AND SHORT BUT WITH AP EXAMS COMING UP I AM REALLY STRESSED RIGHT NOW. SO UNTILL EXAMS ARE OVER UPDATES WILL PROBABLY BE SHORTER AND I AM SORRY FOR THAT BUT I PROMISE I AM NOT STOPING THIS STORY JUST PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME. I WILL TRY TO HAVE THE NEXT CHAPTER UP IN A FEW DAYS. PLEASE REVIEW OR PM ME**


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

ELLIS POV

"Ellis is standing in the kitchen waiting for an explanation from Serena. After what feels like several minutes neither of them are really keeping track of how long it is. Ellis takes in the details of her little sister. Serena's dark brown hair is a mess her skin is as pale as a ghost. And nothing but fear can be seen in Serena's blue eyes. Looking at the clock on the microwave Ellis realizes that it's about time for dinner to be ready.

"Okay well considering that everyone is out there waiting to eat. We should go but I'm serious S after dinner you are going to explain this to me. Ellis says grabbing the pan of Shepherds pie and carrying it to the dining room table.

MEREDITH POV

"Oh my god El this is fantastic" Meredith exclaims taking the last bite on her plate. "Yeah really good sis" Bailey and Chris say in unison as they move to put second helpings on their plates. "Yeah it's really good where did you learn how to cook like this? Certainly not from your mom" Derek jokes. "Um excuse me what was that?" Meredith slaps her husband on the shoulder, "I love you honey" Derek tries. "Good boy" Meredith gives him a nod of approval.

ZAGER POV

"So Winter do you have any pets?" Aria asks. "Yeah I actually do I have a white owl her name is Hedwig" Winter answers. God this girl is so strange what does Elly see in this girl Zager thinks to himself as he sits their quietly trying not to stare at how beautiful Elly looks tonight. There is nothing out of the normal about how she is dressed tonight her usual jeans and a t-shirt her wavy blonde hair falls down her back, and the amount of makeup she is wearing tonight makes her eyes sparkle even brighter than normal.

"Like in Harry potter?" He hears Serena asks but doesn't really pay attention to Winter's answer. "I even sometimes sleep in the cupboard under the stairs" Winter jokes earning a laugh from everyone around her except Zager. This is his breaking point "god could you be any weirder" he blurts out getting up and leaving the table.

SERENA POV

Serena is shockingly having a good time tonight. Sure Winter may be a little out there but she's oddly funny and more importantly Elly seems to be really happy with her. She is dreading the conversation she will have to have later with Ellis but as of right now she is having fun. Almost all the pagers in the room go off at once causing all of the doctors in the room to spring into action.

ELLY POV

"Sorry if my family scared you off I know that can get a little intense sometimes" Elly babbles as she is walking Winter home. Once the adults were called in Arizona had stated that it was time for Winter to go home. "Also I hope they didn't scare you off because I really like you. Oh and now I probably just scared you off" Elly rambles. Winter shakes her head with a big smile on her face "no I honestly had a fun time tonight I can't wait to see what the universe has in store for us on our next date." She responds giving Elly a good night kiss before walking into her house.

When Elly gets back to Meredith and Derek's house she is ready to tell her friends how happy she is. But as soon as she walks into the house she sees Zager standing in the living room. Walking up to him Elly is all ready to scream at him how dare he unload on Winter like that. Until she gets up closer and can see that something is very wrong she looks around and notices they are the only two people left in the house. "Where is everyone?" she asks confused. "Well you know how everyone got called in apparently there was an accident. It's Noah he ran his truck into a tree they don't know if he's going to make it" Zager explains.

 **AN OKAY I KNOW THIS WAS A HEAVY CHAPTER. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? PLEASE HAVE A GREAT NIGHT LOVELIES AND REVIEW!**


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

 **TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM**

SERENA POV

Serena is wandering the halls of the hospital feeling completely and totally lost. In many ways the hospital is her second home she was born here she attended daycare until she was old enough to attend school. Or on Saturdays playing with the kids in the PEDS ward. And then when she got older she started sneaking into OR galleries with her siblings and cousins. But tonight the hospital feels like a foreign country to her.

It has been over 3 hours since Aunt Amelia had to rush Noah into emergency surgery. The only thoughts running through Serena's mind are how much she has tried to push him away recently. "I need air" Serena mumbles getting up from her chair in the waiting room. She has been sitting there with her parents along with Noah's mom and step dad. His mother looks white all the color drained from her face. One of her hands is clasped in her husband while the other is resting on her belly at 8 and a half months pregnant she looks like the baby could pop out at any moment. Not being able to stand their helplessly waiting any longer.

Serena pushes through the double doors that separate the waiting room from the rest of the hospital. She doesn't pay attention to where she is going or who is around her she just keeps running deeper and deeper into the hospital. Hot tears trickle down her face more tears start to fall harder causing her eyes begin to sting.

She crashes into a nearby supply closet falling to the ground in a puddle of sobs. One thought going around and around in her mind. I love him I am in love with him and I don't think he knows it. That one thought in her head absolutely refusing to go away. So she gets to her feet and starts digging through supplies in search of a blade.

Once she has found the object of her desire, a brand new thin shiny scalpel she digs the blade into the soft flesh of her arm.

ELLY POV

 **Any word on Noah? –Winter**

Elly sighs, a grim sigh before she replies.

 **No none and it's been 3 hours. He has a brain bleed broken ribs and a pretty bad broken arm my moms are in surgery with him right now. –Elly**

Elly smiles at Winter's response.

 **Well don't worry I've felt Noah's spirit he has a strong and determined will I am confident that he will be okay** **-Winter**

Elly looks at the time on her phone it's 11:59

 **It's getting kind of late I should probably try to sleep** **-Elly**

A few minutes later

 **Aw** **but you're right sleep is a vital part of life goodnight beautiful until we converse again and please keep me updated on Noah 3 –Winter**

Elly puts her phone on her lap she is lounging on a couch in the attending lounge. Zager is seated next to her in a painfully silence they haven't spoken a word to each other since they got here. "Here" Zager places the blanket that is draped over the couch around Elly as she starts to doze off.

ELLIS POV

"Alright I'll tell them I love you too see you soon" Ellis hangs up her phone. "That was Zola she's heading for the airport and is going to catch the first flight here she can" Elly explains to her parents. "I think I'm going to look for Serena she's been gone for awhile" Meredith stands up. "You know what why don't I go look for her" Ellis offers she wants to try and talk to Serena about what she saw earlier.

It doesn't take Ellis long to stumble upon a supply closet with the sounds of someone crying from the other side of the door. She softlyknocks receiving no answer or shouts of protests for that matter she enters the room.

A lump forms in her throat when she sees Serena crumpled on the floor, the scalpel clenched in her fist and the bloody cuts up her arm confirm Ellis's earlier suspicions. Ellis drops to her knees next to Serena. "Shh breath it's ok" Ellis whispers grabbing the blade from her little sister "now get you cleaned up.

SERENA POV

"Alright I am not the best but the bleeding has stopped" Ellis wipes the last of the blood away. Serena lays back on the couch Ellis had brought Serena up to the attending's lounge, and once Elly had caught on to what had happened she managed to get Zager out of the room but refuses to actually leave the room herself. "Why don't I get us some coffee" Ellis offers noticing the rising tensions between the friends.

When Ellis leaves the room Elly releases a long dramatic sigh. "Oh don't be so dramatic" Serena snaps. "I am not being dramatic Serena when you feel like this YOU COME AND TALK TO ME I AM YOUR PERSON IT'S WHAT WE DO." Elly yells leaving Serena to stunned to speak. The silence is only broken when Elly barges back

 **AN KINDA A CLIFFHANGER I KNOW I'M SORRY. YOU'RE SUPPORT FOR THIS STORY MEANS SO MUCH! SO PLEASE REVIEW**

 **HAVE A GREAT NIGHT! AND WHO AGREES THAT CALLIE HAS LOST HER MIND?**


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

SERENA POV

Meredith, Derek along with Noah's parents are in a cluster outside of Noah's hospital room while Amelia checks on Noah. Amelia comes out of the room with a calm expression on her face. "Noah had a small brain bleed which I was able to control, he probably won't wake up for several hours, but he should be okay." Amelia explains with a reassuring smile. "Thank you so much Dr. Shepherd-Hunt" Mrs. Bends hugs Amelia tight. Once the hugs end Amelia's face regains her composure. "Noah's Tox screen came back and his blood alcohol level was over the legal limit, and then he also had prescription drugs in his system." Her tone is nothing but serious, the news shocks everyone in the circle, except Serena.

MEREDITH POV

Meredith is sitting in the airport at 2AM waiting for Zola's plane to arrive. Ellis, Bailey, Chris, and Serena are all with her. Derek got pulled into a surgery so he couldn't be there with them. "I'm hungry" Bailey announces getting up going off in search of food. "me too" Chris agrees following him. Meredith shakes her head in disbelief "how are you two hungry already?" The boys just shrug at their mother before walking away.

Meredith looks over at Serena, she looks completely drained her eyes are blood shot. A look of pure concern and panic displayed on her face. She is as white as a sheet all the color is drained from her face. It had been a big fight to get her to leave the hospital she had wanted to stay for when Noah woke up. But Meredith and Derek had convinced her that Noah and his family need time to work through this first.

"Mom!" A familiar voice squeals Meredith looks up and sees Zola walking toward them dragging a suitcase behind her. "Hey there's my girl" Meredith wraps her arms around her oldest daughter.

DEREK POV

Derek pulls into his driveway maybe a minute before the rest of his family does. "Daddy" Zola yells getting out of the car hugging him. Bailey and Chris bring in Zola's luggage as the family enters the house.

"Alright it's 3AM so I'm gong to head home I'll see you guys tomorrow. Bailey hugs his mom and sisters I'll see you guys bright and early for Chris's game tomorrow." Not long after that everyone goes off to bed.

Once Meredith and Derek are in their bedroom Derek closes the door behind them. "Crazy night." Derek sighs, changing out of his scrubs. "What are we going to do Derek? Meredith leans into him as they lay down in bed. "She could have been in the car with him." Derek finally voices the horrible thought that has been running through his mind all night.

"But she wasn't she is safe and sound in her room just a few doors away." Meredith reminds her husband placing a kiss on his stubble. We should try and get some sleep we can talk to her in the morning. Derek says kissing Meredith good night.

SERENA POV

When Serena gets to her room she is sort of surprised both of sisters there waiting for her. "I filled Zola in on your little secret" Ellis explains. "Yeah S and we both love you you're our baby sister that's why if you don't tell mom and dad we will" Zola chimes in.

 **AN WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? I HAVE PLANS FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF CHAPTERS, BUT I WOULD ALSO LOVE TO WHAT YOU THINK AND WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN SO PLEASE REVIEW. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A LOVELY WEEKEND ALSO APRIL 27** **TH** **WAS 2 MONTHS CLEAN FOR ME.** **PLEASE REVIEW!**


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

"Okay thank you for the update Amy" Derek says through his phone. "Any news?" Meredith asks, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Amy said he woke up an hour ago he is conscious, alert and aware." Derek explains, as Serena enters the kitchen.

"Really he is? So he's okay? When is he allowed to have visitors?" Serena spills out one question after another not giving her parents enough time to answer any of them. Meredith takes a long look at her youngest child, observing every detail of her.

Serena is dressed in blue and red pajama pants, and one of Chris's Seattle High Baseball sweatshirts which is baggy on her. Her blue eyes are still bloodshot she has probably been up all night crying. The deep black shadow under her eyes further prove Meredith's point. Meredith and Derek have a silent conversation, by sharing a long look coming to an agreement. Walking up to Serena Meredith feels her forehead.

"Baby you're burning up" Meredith says. "Okay here's what we are going to do. Your sisters and I will go to Chris's game and your mom will stay here with you" Derek explains. "This is a big game for Chris he has that scout coming from The University of Washington. He wants both of you there, and besides I am I don't need someone to stay home with me" Serena argues. Meredith shakes her head, "we know you can but you are emotionally drained and your body is warn down. It isn't the first game I've missed and it won't be the last." Meredith states firmly. "I would feel a lot better to stay home with you" she adds.

"Fine I'll stay home and you can stay with me, but when can I see Noah?" Serena gives in seeing no point in arguing with her parents and frankly being way too tired to do so. After several moments of thought and another shared glance with Meredith Derek finally answers. "Tomorrow if he is feeling up to it, but today you really need to rest." Serena nods heading upstairs to go back to bed. Meredith is determined to get some answers from her daughter today.

ELLY POV

Elly is sitting on the bleachers waiting for the Baseball game to start. Callie has decided to drag Elly here to support Zager and Chris. When she would much rather be at home letting her anger at Serena and Zager fester.

Elly perks up when she notices the slender curly haired brunette heading their way. Elly's crystal blue eyes lock with Winter's sea green ones. Callie looks over at her daughter, who is grinning ear to ear. Callie follows Elly's gaze "is that Winter?" She whispers not so quietly. "Yeah Mami that's her" Elly blushes. Before Elly can stop her mother, Callie waves Winter over to sit with them. "Try to be nicer to her than mom was. I really like her I don't want my insane mothers to scare her off" Elly pleads. "I make no promises" Callie grins mischievously.

"Hi I'm Elly's other mother you know the one that breaks bones for a living." Callie extends her hand out with a smirk. "It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. T" Winter shakes her hand. Callie looks the girl up and down. She is wearing a light blue T-Shirt that says weird but loveable with a pair of purple jeans with red poka dots on them.

Her outfit while definitely interesting is not what caught Callie's eye though. Perched on top of Winter's left shoulder is a live baby owl. "Um is that a real owl?" Callie gasps. "Yeah his name is Hedwig" Winter strokes his feathers. "This certainly isn't a pet you see everyday" Callie says. "I'm not a normal person" Winter answers with a proud smile. Callie scoots over on the bleacher creating a gap. "Do you want to watch the game with us?" Callie offers with a smile.

Winter glances over at Elly who nods eagerly. "Yeah I'd love" Winter sits down next to Elly carful not to disturb Hedwig. The way Elly carefully intertwines their fingers is the moment Callie realizes how happy her daughter is.

MEREDITH POV

"You can do this Chris" Meredith shouts as she is watching her son strike out another batter through his Ipad. Derek moves his Ipad back to himself, "I just got paged I'm going to hand this to Callie or one of the girls" Derek says. "Okay I'm going to check on Serena real quick" Meredith replies putting her Ipad down, and goes up to Serena's room.

Serena is asleep on her bed when Meredith walks in. That's When Meredith notices the cuts on her daughter's wrists. Without even thinking she crosses the room to her daughter gently waking her up. "You need to start talking to me like right" Meredith whispers laying down next to Serena.

 **AN I KNOW IT'S BEEN AWHILE BUT IT'S BEEN A ROUGH** **COUPLE OF WEEKS FOR ME. AND I DIDN'T THINK WORKING ON THIS STORY WAS THE SMARTEST THING TO DO. BUT IT'S OKAY I'M BACK 3 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS CUT FREE. THANK THANK THANK YOUUUU! GUYS FOR LOVING THIS STORY SORRY FOR THE CLIFFHANGER BY THE WAY. ;) I HOPE THIS CHAPTER WAS WORTH THE WAIT HAVE A GOODNIGHT PLEASW REVIEW!**


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

SERENA POV

I am woken up by my mom, and even though I am still groggy with sleep I can tell by the look on her face that she knows my secret. My body temperature starts to rise my palms are warm slippery with sweat. I can't believe this is happening mom's not supposed to know how broken I am. I can't make eye contact with her afraid to see the pain in her eyes. A huge lump starts to form in the back of my throat I sallow hard to get rid of it. Mom gently tilts my head up so I am looking at her.

"I am not mad I just want you to talk to me let me know what's going on in your head." Mom strokes my hair soothing me.

MEREDITH POV

I can feel Serena start to relax against me "okay" she whispers. At first I feel relieved that she is finally going to open up to me; but this is quickly replaced by panic, not knowing what she is about to unload on me.

"What are you doing?" she asks me as I pull out my phone. "I'm ordering a pizza I answer dialing the number. "Really you think now is the best time for pizza?" Serena looks up at me. I wait until I'm done pacing the order to answer her question. "Well normally when I have to tough conversation tequila is involved but obviously that won't happen with this on, so I figure food will be the next best thing

She nods, "you know tequila could be involved in this conversation she says. As I see the tiniest glimpse of a smile appears on her face.

"Yeah not a chance I smile wrapping my arms around her. "Um mom can we maybe wait until the food gets here to start talking about this; because I know once I start I won't be able to stop" Serena confesses.

"Yeah of course we can wait." I reassure her knowing that it will be a lot easier to get the whole truth from her the more comfortable she is. This will also give us both of us time to collect our thoughts.

We spend the next 35 minutes in a comfortable silence. I hear the doorbell ring I get off her bed and go downstairs to accept the delivery. When I come back with a large sausage and peperoni pizza along with a chocolate chip cookie pizza, I see the panic has returned to Serena's eyes. I quickly pace the two boxes on the nightstand, and take my pace back on the bed. "Hey I might not know what you are about to tell me but I do know that no matter what you tell me, I love you and we will help get you through this."

I promise as I kiss her forehead. I see Serena takes a deep breath. "I don't know where exactly I should start but I've been um cutting myself." She pulls up her sleeves to show cuts that are just starting heal. And for once in my life I feel like a bad mother how the hell did I not see how much pain my daughter is in, and it shatters my heart.

 **AN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE SUPPORT. UPDATES WILL BE FASTER SINCE I'M NOW ON SUMMER VACATION. NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE UP IN A FEW DAYS! HOPE YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT NIGHT AND PLEASE REVIEW. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW THAT MEREDITH KNOWS?**


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

SERENA POV

It has been one week since Serena has made her confession to her mom, and it has been the most stressful and tension filled weeks of Serena's seventeen years. Serena walks into the house after a long day of school. Every day of school is long now. Her parents had talked to her teachers, and they have all agreed to let her turn in all her missing work. The only problem is now she is stuck with a whole quarters work load, and a little less than 3 weeks before summer.

So for the past week her life has been nothing but going to school spending every spare moment including her lunch period trying to catch up. When she gets home she has to deal with one of her parents, if not both of them hovering over her. And if they are at the hospital then she has a sibling or an aunt or uncle as her shadow.

The one glimmer of hope that has gotten her through today and this hard week is the promise that she can finally see Noah tonight. Noah is still in the hospital but he has been making good progress, and everyone is confident that he is going to make a full recovery.

Even though she hasn't seen Noah yet they have been texting and talking on the phone every chance they get. He is the sweet, kind, and caring boy Serena fell in love with. Serena thinks that things are starting to get back to normal between them.

Sitting down at the table she takes her history textbook out of her bag along with her notebook to start and take notes on the 1950's. "What are you doing?" Chris asks sitting down next to her pulling out his own work.

"I have to read and take notes on this chapter and study for two make up tests with a total of five different assignments to complete and turn in." Serena turns a page in her textbook looking up at her brother.

"Wow that's a lot" Chris says not really knowing what else to say things have been strained between Chris and Serena ever since he found out how bad things are for his sister. "Yeah and this is just the work I have for history class" Serena mumbles.

One hour later Serena is having trouble figuring out what to wear while visiting Noah. She takes off the third shirt she has tried on, throwing it on her bed in frustration. This is the first time she will see him in close to two weeks.

"Ugh this is hopeless I give up" Serena groans out loud. She grabs her phone in order to text Elly for help, but then she remembers the fight they are in the of they have barely spoken to each other since Serena relapsed and Elly lost it on her. Aria isn't talking to her either because according to her depression and self-harm is just an idiotic choice and she doesn't want to deal with Serena's problems. Zager is well a boy so he would be no help with this. None of her other friends would understand the importance of tonight because no one else knows the whole situation.

So this only leaves her with one option she walks across her room. "Ellis, Zola I need your help" Serena shouts down the hallway. "At your service" Ellis pops into Serena's room. Zola is close behind her. "How can we help?"

"I don't know what I should wear. Or really how I should dress" Serena's motions helplessly to her closet stuffed with clothes. "Alright sit down" Zola instructs Serena, as Ellis and her walk towards the closet. "So are you excited?" Ellis asks sorting through tops. Serena sighs "I'm excited but equally as nervous."

"You shouldn't be nervous" Zola pulls out a pair of jeans handing them to Serena. "Do you want to look sexy? Or are you wanting to go for a more casual look? Ellis asks still searching through shirts.

"I don't know… I mean we are going to be in the hospital so I'm thinking casual, but at the same time I want to look good for him." Zola sits down on the bed next to Serena picking up that there is more bothering her from her tone. "What else is on your mind?"

Serena lays back on the bed pondering her next words very carefully. "I don't want to disappoint him I feel like I have been such a big disappointment to well everyone lately… I just want to be enough for him." A few stubborn tears fall down Serena's cheeks. Noticing the shift in the conversation Ellis puts a tank top and Serena's favorite jean jacket down next to the jeans, before joining her sisters.

"Hey you're not a disappointment, and nobody thinks you are" Zola affirms. Serena rolls her eyes "how could I not be? Every one has big plans. Chris just signed that scholarship for a full ride. You are doing great in Med school she looks at Zola. "And I'm sure you're about to get into a great Med program" she turns to Ellis. Not to mention that Bailey is a fantastic EMT. And what am I? I'm just the screw up. The one that can't find a better way to deal with her problems other then to hurt herself" Serena cries.

Ellis scoffs "you are the one with the one with the big heart. The one who will drop everything in order to help other people." Zola nods her head "but now it's your turn to let people help you" she adds.

"Besides we're not perfect at least I know I'm not. I dropped out of school I don't think I want to be a doctor. I think I want to go to culinary school instead" Ellis admits. Both of her sisters look at her with shocked expressions. "I don't know how to tell mom and dad."

"Well you're an amazing chef and you love to cook I'm sure mom and dad will be just fine with it" Serena reassures her sister. "And well once I tell mom and dad that they are going to be grandparents in about eight months dropping out of school won't seem so bad in comparison." Zola laughs, a nervous laugh.

"Wait you're pregnant? That's a relief I thought you were just gaining weight." Ellis gasps with a smirk. "Oh shut up" Zola throws a pillow at Ellis. "Relax I'm kidding I'm going to be an awesome aunt and spoil this kid rotten." Ellis hugs Zola in between fits of laughter.

"So great now that we've established that we are all a mess in one way or another, it's time to for you to get ready." Ellis says to Serena pointing to the outfit laid out on the bed. "Comfortable and casual but still a little sexy" Ellis explains with a smile.

ARIZONA POV

Arizona just sat down with Callie a bowl of popcorn in between them when her pager goes off. "I guess movie night will have to wait, because it looks like Noah is about to be a big brother. Julia Bends water just broke I have to go." Arizona kisses Callie before heading for the door.

 **AN YOU GUYS WANTED A LONGER CHAPTER SO HERE IT IS. I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE HAPPEN. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE AN AWESOME DAY! NEXT CHAPTER WILL PROBABLY BE UP ON FRIDAY. PLEASE REVIEW!**


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

SERENA POV

Meredith was going to drive Serena to the hospital wanting to have eyes on her at all times, but Ellis offered to do it instead. "Thank you for driving me tonight" Serena says. "You're welcome" Ellis smiles keeping her eyes on the road, "well I thought you could use a break from mom watching your every move." Serena hangs her head "yeah but I guess I put myself in this situation."

NOAH POV

Noah Bends is a jumble of knotted up nerves right now he is pacing his hospital room waiting to become a big brother. Dr. Robbins just took his mom and his step-dad Ethan so it will probably be awhile before the baby is born. So he looks at the time on the clock on the wall. Noticing the time, he decides to get ready for his date with Serena which is also contributing to his nerves at the moment.

With his good arm he drags the suitcase full of clothes that his mom brought him onto the bed. It's his right arm that is broken not the worst thing in the world since he is left handed; but it is still causing him some pain. He is already wearing converse and jeans wincing from the pain is still healing ribs as he removes his sweatshirt. He pulls on a fresh shirt.

He looks up surprised to see Dr. Shepherd standing in his room holding a box of hot pizza. "Hi Dr. Shepherd I'm sorry I didn't see you come in" Noah pulls the money he owes Derek for the pizza, "thank you for picking it up" he smiles nervously. Derek just looks at him with the glare of a protective father. "It's no problem" Derek takes the money from Noah. "How's your pain?" Derek asks catching the strain on the boy's face. "It's pretty bad because I refuse to take any sort of pain medication but it's getting a little better. I've been clean since the accident and I'm going to stay clean" Noah feels the need to explain.

"That's good to hear" Derek nods "oh and if you hurt my daughter in anyway ever again you will have not only me but a whole bunch of surgeons who know how to use scalpels to worry about." Derek doesn't even try to disguise the threat walking out of the room with a grin on his face.

SERENA POV

"Thanks again for the ride" Serena thanks Ellis as they pull in the parking lot. "No problem have fun, but not too much fun because one pregnant sister is enough for me right now." Ellis smirks as she gets out of the car and Ellis pulls away.

Her phone buzzes with a text.

 **I know you're nervous about tonight, but you need to relax. Don't think so much about how you should act around him. Just act the way you want to act with him. Remember if you need me CALL ME! I love you 3-Mom**

Serena smiles while typing back

 **Thank you I will if I need to but hopefully I won't need to. I love you too.** **-Serena**

Putting her phone away she heads towards the entrance when a gentle hand lands on her shoulder. She turns around quickly she hadn't seen him sitting on one of the benches outside of the hospital. He is wearing his black converse with blue jeans and a gray t-shirt complete with a bright purple bow tie. His light brown hair is a little longer then he normally keeps it making it wavier at the ends. Which Serena can't help but find sexy. "Hi" he smiles the real Noah Bends smile that fully reaches his green eyes.

"I haven't seen that smile in a long time." Serena has a smile of her own now. He leans in to hug her. Remembering her mom's words about acting how she wants to act around him. So instead she catches a soft sweet kiss on his lips, both of them enjoying this moment.

 **AN I WANTED TO GIVE THIS CHAPTER A SWEET ENDING. I KNOW I HAVEN'T UPDATED SORRY THESE PAST COUPLE WEEKS HAVE BEEN A LITTLE TOUGH ON ME, BUT DON'T WORRY GUYS I'M STILL CLEAN! NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE UP IN A FEW DAYS PLEASE REVIEW.**


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

SERENA POV

Noah leads me up to the roof of the hospital; where an old blanket is laid out. Lit candles are placed on each corner of the blanket holding it down. A box of fresh hot pizza is in the middle of the blanket. "I know it's not much" Noah says sheepishly with his hands stuffed in his pockets. I can feel the big smile on my face, as I take in the sight before me.

Sure it isn't dinner at five-star restaurant but it is definitely the most romantic thing Noah has ever done for her. "No don't you dare apologize, this is perfect" I squeeze his hand. "Really?" He questions clearly not believing me. "Yes it is absolutely perfect" I promise him, pulling him in for another kiss.

"I've missed this I've missed you" he whispers in my ear, as the kiss ends. "I don't think I'll ever be able to wipe this stupid grin of my face now" I laugh. "Well I guess it's a good thing that I happen to love this grin that can only be described as adorable" he laughs.

He takes my hand and guides me to sit down on the blanket with him. We sit in a comfortable silence eating slices of the pizza, both of us enjoying each other's company something we haven't done in such a long time. "How are you feeling?" I ask him taking in the details of the cuts and scratches still healing on his face.

"I'm okay" he shrugs "I still have a few headaches here and there, and my ribs still hurt like hell. But the great news is that I'm sober" he smiles a shyly at me. "Oh my god Noah that's awesome I am so proud of you" I lean into kiss him. We ae interrupted by his phone dinging with a text. "I now have a little brother" he announces beaming at his phone.

 **AN I KNOW IT'S SHORT BUT I AM VISITING FAMILY, AND I WANTED TO POST SOMETHING TONIGHT BECAUSE TODAY IS 5 MONTHS CLEAN FOR ME! SO FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER I WAS THINKING SERENA AND ELLY CAN MAKE UP ABOUT THEIR FIGHT? PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU WANT TO HAPPEN? YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! HAVE A GREAT NIGHT AND PLEASE REVIEW**

 **NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE UP IN A FEW DAYS**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE THIS STORY IS GETTING, AND ALL THE LOVE YOU'RE GIVING ME. THERE IS STILL A LOT TO THIS STORY SO STAY WITH ME!**

CHAPTER 15

SERENA POV

My mind is floating filled with happiness like I'm floating on clouds themselves. Last night couldn't have gone any better Noah and I have decided that once summer starts we are going to start over our relationship is going to have the fresh start we need.

Despite everything I can't quite allow myself to feel the full affects of being happy, because I'm still in that stupid fight with Elly. I look at my phone and to my disappointment but not surprise there are no texts from her.

I smile and reply to the good morning text Noah has sent me accompanied with a selfie of himself, and his brand new brother Nolan.

 **Cute boy with a baby, how am I supposed to resist this? ;) –Serena**

His reply came fast, painting a permit smile on my face.

 **It's simple really you can't** **-Noah**

This makes up my mind on what I need to do next, I close my laptop. Abandoning the one sentence I have written for the AP Lang essay I have been attempting to write for the last hour and a half. A lot of thoughts about Noah and I are swimming around in my head. Thoughts I need to talk through with someone, and the best person I can think of is of course, my person. Who isn't speaking to me at the moment.

I pick up my phone and hit Elly's contact to call her. It rings several times before I reach her voicemail. She might be at band practice it's a Saturday though so that's unlikely, but not unheard of. She could be with Winter I try to reason with myself but deep down I know she is probably just ignoring me. I hit the end call button without leaving a message I really don't want to have this conversation over the phone anyway.

I put my laptop in my bag slinging it over my shoulder. Maybe if Elly still hates me I can at least work on my essay while I'm out.

When I get downstairs and see my mom's questioning look, I start talking before she has the chance too. "Okay I know you and dad really don't want me going out that much until I'm all caught up in school, but this is really important I'm in this huge fight with Elly right now and she's my person. I need my person" I breathe out. "Okay" mom says with an understanding smile.

I walk into Elly's house holding a drink carrier with 3 iced coffees one for me one for Elly and one for Aunt Arizona. I only brought 3 because I knew aunt Callie is at the hospital, and Aria is probably busy taking care of her new goat.

When I walk in the house Aunt Arizona looks up from the medical journal she is reading. "Hey you, I didn't know you were coming over" she wraps me in a hug. "I didn't know I was" I smile handing her, her coffee. Is Elly home?" I ask. "Yeah she's in her room" she nods taking a sip of her coffee. Before I can walk up stairs Aunt Arizona stops me. She takes the coffees from me and sets them down. She grabs my wrists and checks them while scanning both of my arms. "I'm clean I haven't cut since the night of Noah's accident" I promise, trying not to roll my eyes.

"Good and you're going to stay that way" Aunt Arizona asserts with one of her magic smiles. She hands me back the coffees, "I'm here if you ever need to talk I'm here for you we all are. Because we all love you so much and we DON'T want to lose you" She pulls me into another hug. "Thank you Aunt Arizona" I smile, as I walk up the stairs.

I open the door to Elly's room without knocking. When the door opens Elly jumps practically pushing Winter off the bed. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt I laugh. "Well it could have been worse it could have been one of your moms that walked in" Winter tries to joke. But Elly just looks at me irritation in her blue eyes her blonde hair is a mess while her face is flushed. "I'm going to go so you two can talk" Winter kisses Elly one more time before fixing her shirt and leaving the room shutting the door behind her. "I brought you coffee" I offer she gets up and takes the coffee and then sits back down without saying a word.

"How long are you going to hate me? How can I make you not hate me? Because I need this fight to be over" my voice is basically a plea now. Besides you can either have this conversation with me, or you can go downstairs. But something tells me your mom won't be very happy with you. Since you had your girlfriend who she doesn't like very much, in your room alone and had the door shut." I point out "good point" Elly mumbles.

I take my coffee and sit down next to her on the bed. "I don't hate you" Elly says gripping her cup. "You don't?" I question genuinely surprised. "Of course not I don't hate you I'm not even mad at you, I'm hurt" Elly explains. "Why I ask completely surprised. "I'm hurt that you don't trust me enough to come to me" Elly says avoiding eye contact with me.

I am at a complete lost for words. I am struggling to find the right words needed to describe the knotted up ball known as my feelings. "It's not your job to fix me. You have your own life and your own problems. You shouldn't have to deal with my problems too" I fight back tears.

"YOU ARE MY PERSON! So it my job to handle ALL of this with you! But you have to talk to me you have to tell me when you are feeling all Dark and Twisty and I will help you" Elly asserts. "Oh yeah? And what will we do to chase the Dark and Twisties away?" I ask a little harsher then I meant it too."

But Elly continues talking un phased by my tone. "We will blast Shawn Mendes and talk about how much we love him! Or all the random happy stuff you want to. Or you can always vent to me no matter how bad it is. I will always be here no matter what I'm not leaving, I am your PERSON.

So like let's say you're on vacation in another country, and I get Dark and Twisty would you still want me to let you know?" I ask. "Yes, just wondering though what other country will I be in?" Elly asks with a Robbins smile. "I don't know maybe Scotland" I say laughing.

"Yes even if I'm in Scotland and even with the time difference I will always be here for you, because YOU ARE MY PERSON! You are awesome, and I love you. My life would be very boring without you!" Elly wraps me in a bone crushing hug, and I finally let happy tears fall.

 **AN I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT ELLY IS BASED ON ONE OF MY BEST FRIEND'S WHO I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT THEM. SO I JUST WANT TO TELL THIS PERSON THANK YOU! I PLAN THE NEXT CHAPTERS TO BE FLUFFY! HAVE AN AWESOME NIGHT AND PLEASE REVIEW!**


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

SERENA POV

 **AN I KNOW I HAVE BEEN GONE FOREVER I'M SORRY I HOPE THIS CHAPTER WILL HELP MAKE UP FOR IT A LITTLE.**

Serena lays flat on her back in the middle of her bed, her eyes glued to her bedroom ceiling. The neon white numbers of her alarm clock penetrate through the blackness of the room telling her that it's 3:27 in the morning. Serena takes a deep breath of air in holding it for what seems like a lifetime, but in reality is maybe a minute and a half; when her lungs start to burn from the lack of oxygen. Maybe she should just hold her breath forever deprive herself of the one thing that is sure to keep her alive. It would be so easy, such a simple thing to do. Don't breath and wait for everything to go black. She curses herself for letting the dark thought enter her mind.

Tears start silently falling down her face. She hates how utterly weak she feels at this moment. My life is going great right now I passed Junior Year without my GPA taking a huge hit, by some amazing miracle. I have a big loving supportive family. Noah and I are better than we have ever been. I have absolutely no reason at all to do this she whispers out loud, as her mind again wanders to the small metal object at the bottom, of her pen jar.

The thought of calling Elly so she can help talk her out of this crosses her mind, but she doesn't want to bother her at 3:30 in the morning. Nights are always the worse. Nights are when if sleep doesn't come, these nights are the worse. When there is nothing left to distract her from the thoughts swirling around in her head.

She has made it clean, cut free through the last four weeks of the school year and through the entire month of June in fact she would be celebrating two months clean next week. Well I guess that's all down the drain now she mumbles to herself, as she crosses the room and grabs the blade from its' spot. A sigh of relief escapes her lips as she makes the first cut.

 **AN I HOPE YOU LIKED THE CHAPTER AND I KNOW SERENA WAS GETTING BETTER, AND DON'T WORRY SHE WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE PROGRESS, BUT RELAPSES HAPPEN. UPDATES WILL GET BACK TO NORMAL STARTING NOW. MY LIFE BECAME KINDA CRAZY WITH THE GIANT STRESS OF APPLYING TO COLLEGES. I ONLY HAVE 2 MORE APPLICATIONS LEFT YAY! AND WITH MY BEST FRIEND BECOMING MY GIRLFRIEND, AND COMING OUT AS BISEXUAL I'VE HAD A LOT GOING ON. BUT DON'T WORRY I'M OFFICALLY BACK! THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE UP ON THURSDAY I PROMISE! OH AND I'M STILL CLEAN! ANYWAYS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME! HAVE A FANTASTIC NIGHT LOVELIES**


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

SERENA POV

Serena is standing in front of her dresser in jeans and a bra. She is in the process of getting dressed for a double date with Noah, along with Elly and Winter. Looking at the shirts in her closet, and is at a complete loss on which one to wear. At first she chooses a short sleeved tee, but then she remembers the new cuts on her arms from the night before.

Shrugging on her jean jacket in order to hide the cuts when she is satisfied with the way she looks. The door to her bedroom door swings open, and Elly enters wearing a pair of black gym shorts with a faded old blue tee-shirt. Her blonde hair is tied back in a messy bun. "Um we're going to the movies, and then bowling" Serena teases. "My goal is to look as unattractive as possible" Elly explains.

"You do still like your girlfriend don't you?" Elly rolls her eyes, "of course I do, that is sort of the problem. Recently every time we spend time together things heat up faster and faster. And it is getting harder and harder to stop it."

"Well why do you need to stop it? You love her, and she loves you. You've been together for awhile now. So I think you should just sleep with her already" Serena smirks.

"Not so loud" Elly squeals casting a look at Serena's still open door. "Oh what was that? You want me to say it louder? Hey everyone Elly wants to…" Before another word can escape Serena's mouth; Elly's hand is clasped firmly over it. Elly's blue eyes, are giving an icy glare. "Relax no one is even here" Serena laughs. "You are so not funny" Elly responds. "Just for that I am stealing some make up."

ELLY POV

Elly walks over to her best friend's desk to rummage through her makeup bag. When she sees it. The tiny blade is still out on the desk. And her stomach sinks knowing how much pain her best friend must be in right now. Elly sticks the blade in her pocket they will talk about this later.

SERENA POV

Noah and Serena are waiting for Elly and Winter to finish arguing over which bowling ball the other one wants. "They are so cute together" Serena muses, as Noah hands her a soda he bought her from the snack bar. "Not as cute as us" Noah beams. Noah has spent the summer so far, retaking some of the classes he failed last year. He has been trying so hard, and it has really paid off. He has his life back together. He fixed things with his family. He has stopped smoking and drinking. He has been the perfect boyfriend. He adores his baby brother Nolan. If he can do it, so can I Serena thinks to herself. This will be my last cut.

 **AN LET ME START OFF BY APOLIGIZING THAT I HAVE BEEN GONE SO LONG. I'VE BEEN REALLY STRESSED OUT WITH SCHOOL AND I RECENTLY HAD A DEATH IN MY FAMILY. I'VE ALSO BEEN TRYING TO DEVOTE AS MUCH TIME INTO MY RELATIONSHIP AS POSSIBLE. BUT I HAVE GOOD NEWS MY SAT'S AND COLLEGE APPLICATIONS AREE DONE PLUS I AM ON CHRISTMAS BREAK SO I WILL HAVE MORE TIME TO WRITE SO YAY! WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? PLEASE REVIEW! HAVE A GREAT REST OF YOUR DAY.**

 **OVER 9 MONTHS CLEAN FOR ME.**


	18. Chapter 18

**TRIGGER WARNING THIS CHAPTER DEALS WITH SELF HARM.**

 **AN I WROTE AN EPILOUGE BECAUSE I AM HAVING A TOUGH NIGHT. AND WRITING IS MY WAY OF GETTING OUT OF MY HEAD. I AM ALSO PLANNING ON STARTING A SEQUEAL TO THIS STORY WHICH WILL HOPEFULLY BE UP IN A WEEK OR SO. REVIEWS ARE WELCOME. THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT I RECIEVED FOR THIS STORY MEANS THE WORLD TO ME! THANK YOU SO INCREADIBY MUCH GUYS! HAVE A GOODNIGHT LOVELIES!**

EPILOUGE

The rain beat down hard on the windshield of Serena's car droplets coming down one after another, from every direction not letting up, much like the thoughts swirling around in her head right now. The sound of the rain feeling her ears' like the loud steady beat of a drum at One of Elly's marching band concerts. Thinking about Elly brought another gut twisting pang of sadness. Focus. Focus Serena all you have to focus on right now is driving home. Just focus on steering the car down the road for now. Take it one thing at a time. Serena reminded herself tightening her grip on the wheel, guiding the car through the busy afternoon traffic of Seattle turning on to the smaller streets that will lead her home to the house in the woods.

Pulling up the driveway she was relieved to see the only car in the driveway was her sister Ellis'. That's good only one person to avoid, but too bad the one person to avoid is the hardest one to avoid during these dark and twisty periods of Serena's. She parks her car behind Ellis' and opens the door getting out of the car she slowly makes her way to the floor door. The thoughts only increase getting louder, harder to push away with every step closer she takes to the house. The blade hidden by the colorful pens at the bottom of the glass jar so easy for her to get and use if she wanted to. And right now, she really wants too. It would quite the thoughts. If only for a minute, at least it would be a quite minute. She opens the door steps inside moves down the hallway through the living room to the stairs. Taking them two at a time. Serena practically slams into the door of her bedroom she slows down forcing her mind to concrete on one thing at a time she opens the door with sweaty palms she enters her room and shuts the door quickly behind her, and as an afterthought she locks it for good measure. Once safely inside her room she lays down on her bed. Maybe if she closed her eyes for a minute or so her mind would relax enough to be able to obtain a few hours of some much-needed sleep.

Sleep has been impossible to reach lately. Too many thoughts have been racing around in her head over the last several months. Six months really, full of over thinking combined with an overwhelming loneliness, so vast Serena couldn't even begin to put it in to words, has led her to right here. Right now. To this moment in her room. Where only one thought is on a continuous loop in her mind. I want to cut. No, it's not a want, she decides. It's a need. I need to cut.

Six months ago, everything had been fine, great actually. She knew where she was going to college. She had amazing friends, friends so close she could call them family. She had a loving committed boyfriend who she loved with all of her heart. Her and Noah had finally reached a heathy solid place in their relationship where they were both stable.

The first thing to crumble though was her relationship with Noah. Sometime in the weeks of late April and early May. Noah had been growing more and more distant with each passing week, by that point. It turns out that Noah had become afraid to talk to Serena about the issues he still found that he was struggling with; in fear of making Serena's own issues worse. Serena couldn't blame him for this in fact she felt the same way about sharing her struggles with him, because she didn't want to make things any harder for him; but a relationship where you could no longer tell each other how you are feeling, didn't really leave much of a relationship at all.

Next came the fallout with Aria. All of the snide comments whispered under breaths. All of the opposing views on things like dating and school, and most of all Aria's disapproval over the way Serena handled her issues. In Aria's mind it was a simple choice. "Just be happy" she had said. As if it was that simple not to think about self-harm. When Serena and Aria's friendship finally dissolved into nothingness it put a strain on her friendship with Elly as well. It still exists of course they still see each other at family dinners, or at the hospital when they are both there waiting for a parent to be done with a shift. It is not the same though. It is thinner than it used to be. The smiles that used to be instant whenever the pair was together, are now forced and laced with awkwardness.

The fact that since she did not get accepted into the University of Seattle until January when the spring semester starts, was not helping matters much. All of her siblings are busy with their own lives. Zola has just started her internship at Seattle Grace- Mercy West. Bailey has a pretty serious girlfriend now so between her and his work, he is always busy. Ellis is busy trying figure out which culinary school she should apply to. Chris had decided to take a gap year before starting college, to travel the world. Serena wasn't even sure what country he is in right now.

So here she is now almost six months later in her bedroom trying to keep all of her emotions packed tightly up inside of her. She hadn't even thought about grabbing the blade from the jar in nearly twenty-one months. Today though laying on her bed, in her room, feel so lonely with all the people she cares about feeling so far out of her reach, it all she is able to focus on.

Finally, she admitted defeat unable to win the battle with her thoughts today. She gets off the bed and walks over to the small glass jar of pens. She rolls up the sleeve of her shirt. While she tipped the jar over scattering the pens all over the desk. The small silver blade fits easily in the palm of her left hand as she lowers it to her right wrist. Some habits are too hard to leave behind.


End file.
